


Slumber Party!!!

by FailureArtist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Sadstuck, unreality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-17
Updated: 2016-10-17
Packaged: 2018-08-23 01:31:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8308546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FailureArtist/pseuds/FailureArtist
Summary: You can't believe how lucky you are! You managed to get all your friends to Washington. Rose from New York, Dave from Texas, Jade from...whatever you'd call her island. They all came for your thirteenth birthday, the one where you become a man (if you're Jewish).





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is not a happy story. Not going to give much more warning for fear of spoilers. Make sure you are in a good place when you read this.

You can't believe how lucky you are! You managed to get all your friends to Washington. Rose from New York, Dave from Texas, Jade from...whatever you'd call her island. They all came for your thirteenth birthday, the one where you become a man (if you're Jewish). Dad is allowing you to host a sleepover party even though two of the friends are girls. He trusts you not to make it a big orgy, though you aren't tempted in the least. Rose is gay and Jade is your cousin and as for Dave you aren't a homosexual. Dad is giving you space for once. He hasn't once popped in with a cake or other baked good. Instead, you have plenty of popcorn and chips and soda. It's not the best quality junk food since your Dad has to buy generic but it's still good.

You and your friends are all in the basement your Dad recently converted into a rumpus room. It's a little underfurnished right now. The room does have a top-of-the-line entertainment system though. You're all sitting on your sleeping bags in front of the TV (except for Jade who is lying in hers).

You've just finished watching Con Air, your favorite movie. Dave has (ironically) watched it before. It's Rose and Jade's first time. You've been doing a running commentary throughout the movie. You'd have thought Rose would go on about how Poe and Cyrus the Virus have a homoerotic tension or Dave would bring out some new disses he crafted on the plane to Washington. Jade you can understand only moaning. She's come down with some stomach bug, poor girl. But you don't get why your healthy friends are so quiet.

"So what do you think of the movie?" you ask.

Rose says, "It was a very good movie."

Jade crocks out, "Ditto."

Dave says, "You know what I think already, Egbert. It sucks."

"Even seeing it on a better screen with better sound didn't help?" you ask.

He sighs. "Yes."

"So none of you had tears in your eyes when Poe gave Casey the bunny? I cried when I first saw it. Of course, I'm too old for that."

"It was a touching scene," Rose says, "I did like how you sung 'How Can I Live Without You?'."

"I never want to hear that song again," Dave says.

"There was a song?" Jade asks.

"Yeah, it was nominated for an Oscar for Best Original Song."

"Oh. I didn't know that," Jade says.

"So Rose," you ask, "What do you think Cyrus' motivation was?"

"He wanted to hijack a plane," Rose answers.

"No, I mean his deep psychological reason. Like, was he abused as a child and that's why he's so mean?"

"I don't know. He doesn't really have a past. He's a fictional character."

"That shouldn't stop you! It's fun to think about movies."

"Can we just get to the next thing?" Dave asks.

"Maybe we can watch another movie." Jade groans. "Quietly."

"How about 'Little Monsters'?" you ask.

Dave puts his head in his hands. "There's no movie in the fucking world I want to watch less than that fucking thing."

"I agree with Dave," Rose says, "The humor in that movie is on the gross side and we have someone here with a weak stomach."

"Okay, so we've had our movie for the night," you say, "Maybe we can play a game instead?"

Rose asks, "What would you suggest?"

"Well, Spin the Bottle is right out," you say with a chuckle, "We could play Ouiji if we had a board. Monopoly is too boring. We could play Poker but is it worth it without anything to gamble with? Excluding our clothes, of course, that would be gross. I'd like to do the 'Light as a Feather, Heavy as a Board' thing but I don't think Jade would approve."

"I guess that's it then," Dave says, "We can go to bed."

"Dave, it's not anywhere near midnight! We can't sleep now."

"Maybe we can just talk," Rose says.

"I don't know if I can," says Jade.

"Here's a good ice-breaker," you say, "Let's play Truth or Dare! Who wants to go first?"

Everyone including Jade says "You."

"Okay. Jade, Truth or Dare: Have you ever farted and blamed it on the dog?"

"I don't have a dog anymore."

"You don't? Sorry. Well, when he was alive, did you blame it on him?"

"No."

You wish you hadn't brought up Bec. When did he die anyway? She never told you.

"Now, on to Dave. Truth or Dare: have you ever wanted to jerk off so you grab the nearest thing for lube and it ends up burning your dick?"

"No."

"Are you going to tell me a growing boy like you has never masturbated."

"I've masturbated."

"But you've never had any mishaps?"

"Isn't it supposed to be just one question?"

You had thought Dave would never pass up the opportunity to talk about penises but here he was.

"Rose, have you ever kissed a girl and liked it?"

"Yes," she says as she looks over at Jade. "Once."

"I think I can guess who!"

"Yes, it was Jade."

Jade doesn't react.

Rose continues, "There hasn't been a chance for anyone else."

"Don't worry, you'll soon be kissing all the girls. Even the straight ones!"

"Thanks. I can look forward to that."

"Enough of my turn. I guess it's Rose turns now."

"Truth or Dare:" Rose says, "Are you happy?"

You laugh. "Of course I'm happy! I got great friends and a great life! Are you trying to psychoanalize me? I'm not schizophrenic or bipolar or whatever."

"Not saying you are. But are you in a good mood at this moment?"

"I am in a good mood," you say a little tensely.

"That's good."

"It's you guys who aren't okay! You've been such wet blankets all night! I can understand Jade, but why are you two being so quiet? Especially you, Dave, why are you sighing all the time?"

"It's just jetlag, please..." Rose begin.

"It's because I am fucking tired of this bullshit slumber party!," Dave yells, "I'm tired of sitting in front of a broken television and pretending to eat! I'm tired of playing along with whatever delusion Egbert has at the moment! I am tired of him talking about his Dad and his school and his video games!"

"Dave we can't..."

"Lalonde, he has to face the facts sometime! We're not in fucking suburbia! We're in a fucking bunker!"

"A bunker?" you ask, "Why are we in a bunker?"

"Because fucking aliens invaded the Earth and for the record they look exactly like the trolls in 'Little Monsters' for some fucking reason."

You laugh.

"It's not funny," Dave says, "The aliens have wiped out our civilization! There's no school or movies or new video games! For all we know we four are the last humans alive!"

"Dave..." Rose says again.

"You can't fool me!" you say, "I just saw my Dad a few hours ago."

"Your dad is dead! My brother is dead! Rose's mom is dead! Jade...well, her grandpa was already dead but her dog is dead! And while we watch a black screen for two hours and three minutes Jade is dying!"

"Don't be melodramatic, it's just a stomach bug. Right, Jade?"

Jade doesn't say anything.

"Anyway, this is all ridiculous," you say, "You can't really think I'd buy this."

"Why won't you believe me?" Dave asks, "You goddamn dense fool!"

"Dave, he's not to blame," Rose says.

John says, "Rose, you know he's lying."

"I'm afraid what he says is true."

"Oh, so you're in on the prank? Is Jade in too?"

"It's not a prank, it's just...you've been having a lot of stress lately."

"I feel fine!"

Yet the room starts to feel stuffy. The air is stale. It isn't as warm as it should be. There's a smell of mildrew that shouldn't be there if the basements been refinished. Your mouth feels like there's insulation in it.

"Where's the cheapo Mountain Dew?" you ask.

Your friends don't answer. Then you see the full bottle in front of you. You open it up and drink from it but it doesn't quench. You can't taste the sugar or feel the fizz. It's like drinking air.

"Is there another bottle?" you ask.

"Dave, get John the water," Rose says.

"But Jade needs it more."

"Get - him - the - water."

Dave goes behind some huge shelves you don't remember being in the rumpus room. The room starts to look like an unfinished basement and it's not the one that used to be in your house.

"Where are we?" you ask.

"If you have to know," Rose starts, "We're in southern..."

"This isn't my house. This is a bunker."

"It's Jade's bunker. Her grandpa prepared for this."

"I'm going crazy, aren't I?"

"Maybe it's best you do believe we're in your old home in Maple Valley. I wish I could believe that."

"But it's not true. None of this sleepover is true. Am I even thirteen?"

"You're probably over eighteen by now."

"I spent my adolencense in this stupid bunker and I'll die here."

"There's always hope..." Rose bows her head. "No, there's no hope. Best we can do is play party games."

Dave comes back with a canteen and hands it to you.

"Don't drink it all in one gulp," he says.

You drink it in one gulp anyway though it tastes nasty.

"Maybe I should do what Jade is doing," you say, "And turn in for the night."

"That might be a good idea," Rose says.

"Um, sorry for yelling at you, bro," Dave says.

"It's okay," you say as you lie down, "Nothing matters."

You sleep soundly.

When you wake up, you're back in your rumpus room and it's your thirteenth birthday! Time for chocolate chip pancakes! Dave and Rose aren't excited though. They must not have slept well.

You don't know where Jade is. Maybe she's taking a shower.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: A forum I'm on was discussing fanfic tropes we hate, and one person brought up the "all the weird things are actually happening in a deluded character's mind" one. So let's turn it around. John is the one I can most easily see this with, but whoever is fine, and it doesn't have to be SBurb - could be an Alternian invasion AU, or whatever you want as long as it's scifi/fantasy/otherwise weird:
> 
> John is leading a perfectly ordinary life, living with his dad and going to school and what-have-you, but his friends have been behaving a little strangely. What is actually happening is he's had a breakdown or suffered mind control or whatever else would give him hallucinations/delusions, and is imagining a perfectly normal happy life while the fantastical horrors of the actual story go on around him.


End file.
